Microsoft's Handheld "Origami" Project

Surfers who click on this link will be treated to yet another viral marketing campaign - this time for Microsoft's new handheld tablet/gaming dealie. Here's a piccie:



There is a video on the website - featuring the handheld playing Halo. OMFG ROXXORS. Seriously, what did we expect from Microsoft? Of course it will have a crappy gameplay video of Halo on it. If that picture is the actual system, it will fail miserably - maybe as bad as the WonderSwan or Gizmondo. Try to imagine playing a FPS like Halo with that crappy button layout, even though it has a DS rip-off stylus. What's with the incredibly small buttons? Will anyone over 100 pounds have fingers skinny enough to NOT press two buttons at once by mistake?

-Casey

Photos From Dead Or Alive Movie

Wow, this movie looks awful. They should just take a look at their own pictures and throw the reel into the can. Bad enough that Jaime Pressley is in the movie as... someone... But that Zack looks nothing like the video game counterpart (at least he isn't in his third "rave alien" costume...)



This might actually beat the awful trio of Mortal Kombat: Annihilation / Alone in the Dark / BloodRayne as Worst Video Game Movie of All-Time. I'm drooling in anticipation.

-Casey

Review: Age of Empires II: Age of Kings (Nintendo DS)

It has been 7 years since the original Age of Empires II: Age of Kings came out for the PC. So it’s a little odd that Majesco decided to name its latest Nintendo DS game the same title, seeing that Age of Empires III just hit store shelves for the 2005 Holiday season. Other than the same name, however, AoE is entirely different than the real-time strategies its PC counterparts are.

You still build bases and produce military units, but it’s all done in turns. Every unit can be moved a certain amount of squares (the maps have grids) and then attack – however, they cannot attack then move. It takes an entire turn to build any structure with a builder and you cannot stack builders on the same project to finish it quicker, like in the RTS versions. Battles are pre-empted with a report that will tell you whether or not your military strategist thinks you will win – a good way to keep yourself from getting slaughtered by facing the wrong type of enemy. You see, the game’s battle mechanics can be strip down to a basic rock-paper-scissors game: swordsmen beat pike men, who beat horsemen, who beat swordsmen. Then you throw in long range attackers like archers or catapults that can wipe out units from afar but get slaughtered in a close-range battle.


The game features 5 civilizations to fight for: Britons, Franks, Mongols, Japanese, and Saracens. Each feature their own unit sets, although they are usually based off the swordsmen/pike men/horsemen trio in some fashion. Each civilization has their own special units as well, from Britain’s Knights of the Round to… Swiss pike men? To the review!
(Review Explanation)

Graphics: Everything but the combat looks fine for the handheld system. Skirmishes and the character models used in them look all muddy and under-detailed. Each technology you can research has a nifty picture with it along with info about the bonuses you will get on the top screen, and the top screen overall is used to display info in an orderly fashion. Most of the different troop types for the different civilizations or simple palette-swaps. 4/10

Sound: Well, it was pretty good, although you wouldn’t miss a damn thing if you had it turned off. I like sounds that hint bonuses or strategies for you to employ. Here we have some simple music and screams or grunts whenever some nameless guy is killed in a battle. 4/10

Enjoyability: Turns don’t work for AoE. This is a good example why the series is RTS. Just about every mission will dumb down to pumping out more units than the other guy can to overrun them. In RTS games, it was about how fast you could put together your network and start making elite units to rush your opponent with. The turns in this game allow players to slowly think out their decisions but don’t reward quick thinking or good choices, as the computer can do this just as fast as you can – although it will take its sweet time and you get to watch every second of it moving their units around and building stuff. Seriously when it’s the computers turn late in a mission, you can go grab a drink watch some TV… you get the idea. Missions also take forever to finish since it’s basically barreling nameless bodies into one another until one side gets the edge. Some early missions take over 100 turns to finish and by then you’ve gotten every tech and mined out the surrounding area. Fun at the beginning but quickly becomes mind-numbing. 3/10

Value: There is a ton of missions and they all take a long time to finish, so you’ll be very busy. Throw in some multiplayer, including a hot-seat game as well as single map games at the price of $30 and you can’t go wrong, if you enjoy the turn-based styled. 6/10

Overall Score: I’m sure quite a few strategy buffs will enjoy the game but honestly the system just doesn’t work for the type of game. Still, if you have the time to invest or enjoy the AoE series, it’s worth your $30. Final Score: 4/10 (Slighty Below Average)

-Casey

Madea's Family Reunion

Please tell me how this movie made $30 million (Eight Below seconded it with $15 million). I know it was cold in the Northeast but what's everyone else’s excuse? Do people still love ridiculous stereotypes of black people? Things that would get any white person beat up or arrested for public indecency but perfectly fine for Tyler Perry to portray?

This is why I don't go to movies anymore. Expect the first review in the history of this site today - Age of Empires : Age of Kings for the Nintendo DS. I'm still ironing it out.

-Casey

EA Sells Out Hard - Burger King in Fight Night Round 3

Apparently this is old news, but the Burger King is indeed in Fight Night Round 3. I'm playing through the game for review and fought the Burger King fight for the Burger King equipment package. Then... to my horror, the actual Burger King brings out my opponent - yes, the Burger King is a part-time trainer, apparently. God I hate EA.



I guess $40 for every $10 worth of packaging and the DVD the game is pressed onto isn't enough profit for EA. Nope, they gotta put in enough ads to make me wish there was a TiVo for games so I can skip all of the crap. The game itself is okay, the career mode has no real rhyme or reason to it, you just keep fighting over and over with the same character - the training games are the same, as well. The fight store is really slow and it takes a few minutes just to scroll down through the trunks to get to the one you want. Ugh - I wish there was a sort feature. Anyway, though I would bring it to your attention, all 3 of you.

-Casey

Spider-Man's Black Costume Appears

Hot off the presses. This is indeed not a black-and-white poster but the black symbiotic threads Peter Parker puts on - a story arc that concludes with Venom.

So it remains to be seen how Sandman will be used in the film. My two cents: Sandman beats the hell out of Spider-Man; Peter finds the symbiotic ooze and graciously takes the new-found strength to defeat that grainy villain. Then the costume begins to take over his mind, just like in the comic - so he gets rid of it, and Eddie Brock finds the alien and melds with it to create Venom.

Makes sense to me, although it could make for a 3 hour movie.

-Casey

Midway Continues to Lose Money

Despite two hit titles this year - Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks and Blitz: The League - Midway has reported losses in six straight years. From the GameDaily article:

Midway suffered a $112.8 million loss, which is significantly higher than its full-year loss of $24.7 million in 2004. Net revenues for the year were also down—$150.1 million versus $161.6 million, a drop of 7.1 percent...

Midway's [plans to rebound] include a deal with Tigon Studios to create The Wheelman starring Vin Diesel, and today's announcements that they will co-publish Lord of the Rings Online with Turbine and have partnered with Double Fusion to broaden their in-game advertising strategy.

Midway definitely needs to turn things around - they're one of the original American game developers and easily the largest developer near the New England area. It'd be a shame to lose such a cornerstone company.

Midway's notable upcoming titles include MLB SlugFest 2006, Spy Hunter: Nowhere to Run and Unreal Tournament 2007.

-Casey

MLB SlugFest 2006 Announced, Midway Allowed to Use License

From the statement:

MLB SlugFest 2006 is in development and scheduled to ship in Spring 2006 for the PlayStation 2 computer entertainment system and the Xbox video game system from Microsoft, expected at a U.S. suggested retail price of $19.99.

“MLB SlugFest 2006 is the only adrenaline-style, officially MLB licensed baseball game on the market and we’re very excited to be able to offer gamers the latest in the SlugFest franchise at a great value,” said Steve Allison, chief marketing officer, Midway. “At a competitive price point and in a year in which fewer than usual MLB licensed games exist, we’re certain that fans will embrace having a choice at retail, especially with the enhancements that we’ve been able to incorporate into MLB SlugFest 2006.”

Of course, 2K Games owns third party rights to the MLB - in other words, only Nintendo, Sony, Microsoft and 2K can make MLB games. However, when I asked Midway about this they explained that they had a pre-existing contract that expires at the end of 2006. The e-mail response:

"Midway’s contract(s) with Major League Baseball Properties and the Major League Baseball Players Association ran through 2006 and the exclusivity that Take Two received did not alter that existing contract. Therefore, Midway is able to publish an MLB licensed game in calendar 2006."

I'll post a screen when I get one. Oh, before I forget, Midways' Official Homepage

-Casey

IGN Reviews BLACK, Gives it Ridiculous Score

IGN just reviewed BLACK in time for the game's shipment February 28th. After a length, five page review, IGN gave it a very nice score of 8.6 (8.7 for PS2). Intrigued, I read the entire review and the final comments.

I came across this: Lasting Appeal - "Only a half-dozen hours long and no multiplayer. It's worth a second time through, however." With the score of 5.

How can a game that only lasts 6 hours be this good? The most I could ever get out of this game is 12 hours, if I bother playing through it again? It seems that my preview was correct - this definitely will not be on the purchasing pile of next week's shipping list. I'm disgusted by the fact that IGN decided to allow this review to be so high - so close to 9 - with a glaring downside like this.

GameSpot gave the game a 7.4, much better but still not low enough. This IGN score still bothers me, however. Keep in mind that the game is produced by EA Games... just throwing it out there.

-Casey

Xbox 360 At Wal-Mart

Went to Wal-Mart yesterday and witnessed quite the spectacle - two brand new Xbox 360s, one premium, one core. I looked at them and thought about plunking down almost $500 for the system, a game and a second controller.

Then I realized I don't WANT a 360.



The only reason I would buy the system is because I knew that the opportunity would be fleeting, that I might have to wait longer to get it. Maybe that's why Microsoft strangled the supply, so that when twelve 360's showed up at Best Buy on a Sunday all of them would be bought by parents that promised them as Christmas presents, eBayers and desperate gamers that must be at the height of technology.

I've been to a few gaming stores over the past weeks and three times I have seen someone walk in and ask how much they would get for a 360. One "smooth" EB Games sales ASSociate told the guy to wait around while he called one of the poor bastards on the reserve waiting list to see if they would buy a used system at a high price.

So I think I'll be holding off on the 360, maybe for two price drops. There isn't enough there for me to justify paying over $300 for the system (with a hard drive included) or $60 for the games.

So if you'll excuse me, I'll be playing my $120 DS and my $30 DS games.

-Casey

Hands-On Preview: BLACK

February 27th is currently marked as the release date for EA's "gun porn" title, BLACK (Official Site). Recently a demo CD was released to the masses - of course, I got my hands on one to see what all the hub-bub was about. With Criterion at the helm (Burnout series), it couldn't be that bad, right?

Well apparently, after numerous rebuilds and Criterion being bought by EA when Acclaim went under, EA decided to change its hype title from "gun porn" to "run-of-the-mill shooter."

The demo starts off with you inside a blown-out building. The door is locked, so you blow it open with your shotgun. Of course, eye candy is abound just like every other EA title. We're supposed to be blown away by the fact that we can shoot doors off their hinges - like it was an innovative feature. Er, Red Faction did this in 2001 and you could even do it in Rainbow Six back in '99. Anyway, the door tumbles out and against another wall like you just placed three large C4 charges on it; you reload your shotgun and face the dangers outside the building.

There are quite a few baddies running around and shooting at you erratically, so you switch your shotgun out for an assault rifle, which luckily is lying at your feet (that are invisible, like every other FPS - First Person shooter). You blow up a car some idiots are hiding behind, shoot up a guy that runs straight at you, the usual stuff. EA said that you could make entire structures collapse and get a "death from above" bonus by making it fall onto your enemies. None of this so far.

You run down the street and manage to meet up with your team, who happens to be wasting so much ammo firing at the surrounding enemies it's odd that you aren't standing on a pile of empty casings. A dozen bad guys later, the demo is over.

It's about 10 minutes long. Probably one of the shortest demos I have ever played.

I hope EA isn't trying to make this into a realistic FPS. The idea Criterion had when it first started development - no ammo restrictions, running through levels destroying stuff - could've made this a prospective buy. As it stands, I think I will keep the $50. Maybe rent it so I can continue to rant about it in a review - but I hate uninspired FPS games as much as I hate stepping in piles of my dog's crap.

Demo Score: 2/10

-Casey

Two Things to Look Forward to in 2006

Moneen - Red Tree (Vagrant Records, IMMEDIATE SOUND) April 11th

Moneen is a difficult band to attach a genre to. The track listings read emo: Are We Really Happy With Who We Are Right Now?, The Day No One Needed To Know, and I have never done anything for anyone that was not for me as well come to mind. However, lead singer Kenny Bridges successfully walks the tightrope between pop-punk and emo with his strong vocals. The instrumentation is fantastic as well, something easily apparent on the track Are We... with what sounds like furious guitar strumming in 1/8th notes, followed by one of the most effective bridges I've heard from a rock band in some time. This is why I'm so excited about Red Tree - if it's anything like their last disc (Are We... is the title track) it should be heard in players for a couple of years. Moneen has recently released a split EP with Alexisonfire, also available through Vagrant. They are also coming out with a DVD that follows the band as they record the album. Check out a trailer here.

Shadow Hearts: From the New World (XSEED Games) - Official Home Page

Shadow Hearts: Covenant was one of the best games of 2004, which is a shame because no one really took the time to buy and play it. You can still find it, however, if you don't mind spending $20. I highly recommend it. Anyway, Shadow Hearts is one of the few fantasy RPGs that actually takes place on our planet. Based in the year 1929, From the New World finally transports the series to America. As one would expect, odd occurrences bring our hero to the forefront - he is a detective and he must find a suspect that has jumped bail. He finds the man all too easily, just in time for a beast to spring forth from a green light. It devours the man and turns its sights on the hero, until a second monsters drop down through the ceiling and saves him. However, this is no monster - it's a shape shifter, just like the main character from Covenant, and it's a female. Seems like she is about to disembark on a journey to find out why these monsters are appearing and stop it. Of course, the hero will tag along.

Shadow Hearts uses one of the best combat engines. The Judgement Ring appears every time you attack and a ring bar begins to spin around in a circle. You must press X every time it's inside an attack zone or you could risk it and press X within a strike zone, which is an automatic critical hit but a much smaller area on the ring. If you press X outside an attack or strike zone it's considered a miss and the ring dissapears until your next turn.

There's also the gay designers that make clothes for a doll that one of your characters uses - if you find beefcake trading cards. Yeah, it's wierd - but at least it's innovative. More details when the game releases - like a review. It's currently scheduled to land on store shelves March 7th.

-Casey

This Is How We Do

This will likely be the most-linked story here on this blog: the explanation to the madness that is our review system.

There is no limit to how long or short our reviews are. The deeper the title, the more explanation needed - it doesn't mean that all of the long reviews will be favorable ones. It could take a while to mention all the ways it sucks.

I already mentioned the First Post (third paragraph). So without further ado, this is what we grade on:

Graphics/Video/Packaging: Graphics obviously refers to the gaming side. However - music, television, and movies do not have "graphics." Instead, Video will score how well a movie or television show is filmed, whether the shots make sense, etc. For music, Packaging will take a look at the book included with the disc (if available) as well as disc/cover art.

Sound: Luckily, this works for all forms of media - although much more important for music. For games and movies, it will score the soundtrack and sound effects (mostly how realistic they sound, or original if it is a wacky topic). For music, it will represent whether the performing artist(s) understand musical theories and show it through their music. It will also analyze the lyrics.

Value: Is it worth how much money you paid for it? What are the extras? How long is the game? How lengthy are the music tracks?

Enjoyability: I personally couldn't believe this was a word: To have a pleasurable or satisfactory time. So, did we have a good time playing/watching/listening, or did it remind us that this was work? Will it be something we enjoy after the review is done, or will it find be piled up with (mostly) everything else?

Some of these topics will be given an out of 10 score, some won't - depends on whether we feel we need to give a number to our thoughts. After all this stuff, you can expect an Overall Score.

And then you will buy it if it sounds like you will like it. Okay? Okay.

-Casey

Welcome to HardScores

Since when did 7 become the average? Why do our media reviews follow the same guidelines teachers use? Our video game library has become bloated with 8.8's, 8.9's, 9.0's... what's the difference? Hell if I know. Apparently, a game with the score of 9.4 deserves my $50 (now $60, for the "next generation") more than a title with the score of 9.3, hands down. It doesn't matter if I prefer strategy games over fighters, which I do - a Street Fighter game with the score of 9 should be bought over Disgaea if the same reviewer deemed it an 8.7.

Excuse me while I re-swallow my breakfast.

This is where my compatriots (yes, there are others that share this view and will be contributing) and I come in. 70% of the media reviewed or discussed will be considered 4-6... or average. 15% will be utter crap at 1-3; another 15% will be great with scores 7-9. About 5 titles in each media type will be given a 9 per year. 10's are reserved for "All-time" lists.

We'll give our favorites of 2006 soon. Stay tuned.

-Casey